"Where Are You?"

It's utterly amazing what one finds in their dustbin.



I had many more blogs than I knew what to do with, on several subjects that I either had to abandon due to situations, or just got un-enamored with, and in a case or two, simply had no use for anymore.



So I erased the posts that used to be here, and sat to try and figure out what it is I need to be writing about at this particular stage in life.



I'm approaching 39, and if you do the math, as well as the family history, my life, as it stands, is about half over. I'd like to say that I wasted it, but that is simply not the case. I'd also like to say that I know what it was all about, but that is not the case, either.



On the bright side, I am blessed with a wonderful wife, a stepson, my firstborn, and a third child on the way. I have went through 3 major religions, only to find myself right back where I was in 1993. Just wiser, more capable of understanding my world and what I can actually do in it. And I have three sons to teach it all to before they get out there and muck it all up, dilly-dallying around until it makes sense.



I started in Christianity, and it was too stifling. No one wanted to discuss anything, and there were no gray areas. Judaism gave me leniency to think for myself. I was simply too young to realize that at the time.



My Rabbi once said something to me that set me off. I didn't understand it at the time. I won't say what it was, other than I get it. At least, I get my perception of it now. At the time, I wanted to be a rabbi, for a myriad of reasons that have modified over the years. My girlfriend at the time told me that she would leave me if I pursued it.



She ended up leaving me anyway.



My first wife shared the sentiment. I ended up leaving her for other reasons. Let the fact that I have full custody of our son speak to that one.



It has been an itch that is difficult to scratch. So I chose to shift to Buddhism, and everyone pretty much left me alone. Americans use Buddhist when they don't want to say "atheist" or "agnostic".



I like Tantra because it is primarily like Chabad in a very altruistic way. And to say that my thought processes are anything less than chabad-like would be a misnomer.



The fact remains that I do what I do for a living. I am currently studying for my CCNA, something I should have done eons ago. But what we do for a living and our actual living are two different things. And no matter how you bust the little cookie, the fact is that I am a Jew.



Just when I think everything is good, and I can be some sensationalized pop culture icon of some sort, the humbling occurs, and that little voice comes up that says, "Where are you?"



And there we were, the raggedly lot of us, mostly broke, or poor, but still observant Jews, and we would show up on Saturday morning with Harry, and still to this day, that remains some of the better ways I've ever spent a Shabbat morning.



My wife is patient. She knows something is up with me as of late, with the beard growing, and interest in Hebrew again, as well as constant reading and study of Rashi. She also loves me deeply for the way that I am, and how I treat her. Well, you can thank Harry and Judaism for that. Harry, for taking the time to help me convert when I was about the only Jew (or wannabe, at the time) on Fort Richardson, and the Talmud took care of the rest.



Now, I have three sons. It's a given that they will learn a lot from watching me, just as I learned a lot from my own father. My question is simply what they will learn, and is it what I want them to know. Being a father is certainly more than passing a genetic code down the line. There are traditions, and quite a bit of hard work involved, and to pretend that it's simple or that I can leave them to their own devices would be utterly foolhardy.



As far as my wife, if there was any other woman I could find on Earth that deserved the goodness possible of anything I could hope to become, I can't think of one. There is also no other person I could trust more, flaws and all. I have a better Proverbs 31 wife than any shadchan could ever throw at me.



So I guess this thing is all about where I'm at, and where I'm going, and as usual, a bunch of nice breadcrumbs to mark my way.